joy – #poetsthatsweat

Meandering intensity

Time to meander through artistic and athletic identity, as I often do.

I finished a 50k trail race last month. When I think about it, I think about how finishing the helped me turn off arbitrary limitations swirling in my head. It wasn’t as fast as I wanted, but damn it was fun to run and problem solve through ugly terrain with a friend. If I can do that, what can’t I do?

I talk about limits like I haven’t been an athlete since I was in elementary school. An athlete, a writer, trying to figure out where a person that loves both can fit. It has taken me years to understand that I can be an artist and an athlete. Perhaps this shouldn’t have been difficult, but it had been presented to me as an either/or situation. Like curiosity and pushing the limits don’t complement each other.

Circus, and then finding beautiful long form essays in places like Outside, or Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, then the academic & creative writing from Leslie Heywood has helped me see myself as more of a whole person, not fragments of expectations. This is a privileged struggle, but it is also so common in different ways. What have you had to break free from?

A few years of creative work have dropped recently in journals. I’m excited and overwhelmed – since my endometriosis diagnosis, I’ve grappled with how much I want to write about navigating the trauma of chronic illness versus how much actual change the writing can bring. That’s probably unnecessary pressure. Many writers have discussed writing about trauma, and I think often back to a conversation at Charm City Books between D. Watkins and Rion Amilcar Scott: D. was working on new essays (what would come to be Black Boy Smile—go get it, the essays are gorgeous) and grappling with how much he would write about trauma. He discussed wanting to write about simple joys too. What was he writing for?

That why is at the forefront of every word I put down. The question might be why do I write or it might be why is this joy or why is this contributing to a cultural conversation, but it always starts with some sort of searching, and probably thoughts about audience. There is this push online to build social networks with more authenticity, more immediacy. What is more authentic than caring for your community in what you put out there?

Places to find new writing:
Cobra Milk issue 4
Virtual launch party on May 23 @ 8pm EST, Click here to RSVP

Jarnal issue 3: Transitions
Virtual launch party on June 11 @ 12pm EST, Zoom information to come

Books I’m thinking about / recently read:

The Sense of Wonder by Rachel Carson
Black Boy Smile by D. Watkins
You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith
Choosing to Run by Des Linden

Stay sweaty and glittery. Black Lives Matter.

A bit of a GRIT recap

The sorta flash GRIT recap no one asked for, except for myself because I am still shocked I managed 34,000+ feet of elevation in over the month. Well, maybe not totally shocked because I have been quietly working on trails, and we did get perfect mild winter weather in Maryland most of the month. I’ve had a hunch I was always more workhorse than Thoroughbred, and being free of debilitating chronic pain for almost three years now has made it possible to explore that part of me. My dumb enjoyment of going up and down Bob’s Hill solidified my theory.

Early in January, I threw up a little in my mouth when I did the math and realized that if I kept my mileage around 150, I’d have to average 200 feet of elevation a mile. I spent most of my time on Bob’s Hill and Gun Road—I am a creature of habit. Alright, here’s a recap of mostly exclamatory thoughts.

Week 1: 6,647 feet of elevation
My first trip to Bob’s Hill—magical! Patapsco Party! Truly just riding a high, trying to not talk too much about my plans, but bringing it up out of nervous excitement.

Week 2: 9,619 feet of elevation
Went insane on Bob’s Hill (5 x repeats!) & had a really nice little trip to Frederick. I met a female ultrarunner on the trail that regularly does TEN repeats of the hill. Note: My only fall of the month was sliding onto my butt while at Weverton Cliffs. The ancient rocks have seen so many feet, they are smoothed by our journeys.

Week 3: 8,069 feet of elevation
I went hard on the Monday work-day off, and over the weekend again, despite a challenging work week: driving all over the state with a team filming and conducting interviews. I still managed to stop at a Wawa while in to Havre de Grace—very important because most of the month while running up and down Bob’s Hill was in Sheetz territory.

Week 4: 6,302 feet of elevation
Here’s where I really scaled back my weekday elevation. I was feeling *good* but wanted to be conscious of a one-way ticket to injury town. Also, the mental exhaustion from the week before had set in. At this point, I was coasting to the goal but not trying to add any extra flourish.

Week 5: 2,769 feet of elevation
The final week/end of elevation! I’m taking the elevation numbers from Strava so I’m assuming the breakdown is correct. How did we close GRIT? A trip to the finest Sheetz in all of Western Maryland! Partway through the month, I promised my coach I would go easy in February to absorb all the work from January. As I write this, I dream of rocks. This is not new. My dad would take my brother and I to rock shows as kids—fairs in New Jersey where we would look at rocks.

Bonus: Froggy Hollow 5 Hour
I promised I’d go easy after this race…here was a distance challenge on top of ugly weather. Frigid temperatures, unknown territory physically and mentally. I’d never run longer than 15 miles before this day—final count was 22.2 miles. I cried a little watching my Garmin tick over 20 miles. It didn’t help that I decided to skip a handheld water bottle—why carry ice??—and was really feeling the dehydration by the final loop despite extended breaks every time I came through the aid station area.

Bonus bonus because I can’t draft fast enough: BRRC Super Bowl Trail Race
I love this race so much! It was hilly, but every incline was rewarded with a downhill. I took a wrong turn which slowed me down by a tenth of a mile, but overall I was pleased with a much stronger effort than last year. Next year, I hope third time is the charm in terms of following the course correctly.

Books I’m thinking about / recently read:

Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers
Finding Ultra by Rich Roll

Stay sweaty and glittery. Black Lives Matter.

I’m gonna be worse

I saw this meme shortly before the new year, and to put it lightly, flipped out.

What do I mean by being worse?

Melting into me. Relaxing into the lack of chill. Folding into the absurdity of it all. Running up and down Gun Road for fun. Being chalant, wondering about the etymology, then confirming that chalant is indeed slang because the main rule of English is that there are no rules.

I have a bit of a life philosophy, mostly existential, as the former teenager reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being in between lifeguarding shifts. It could just as well be otherwise.

Be worse.

Keep going.

We get to do this.

Themes I can see as I look back on my poetry while editing a full length manuscript and submitting a prize portfolio.

Getting worse. At some point in my late 20s, I stopped having much shame. I’m sending the text, sending the email. I have 18 pages of a Word Doc tracking mostly rejected writing and have an Aquarius moon, I don’t notice the hurt. After doctor appointment on doctor appointment, having to claw my way to an endometriosis diagnosis, what did I have to loose?

It took deeper reflecting after a conversation with my coach about goals for early 2023 to understand more of what I want out of running. I was having trouble pinpointing a “goal” race. Rather, I had a bunch of shit on my calendar that to me, looked like fun trail time with unusual distances. I may shoot for time goals at some point, but mostly I want to go outside and be. I feel the friend I lost in the moon, in crows gliding, in the soft peach of sunrise and sunset.

I am not alone in these haunted moments. A group of us (we all went to an MFA program together) wrote a joint eulogy and wrote through our memories of her.

I am conflicted about writing much about grief on the blog, but like processing chronic illness grief through this venue, I continue to process the loss, even as I’m back to doing things like opening my mail. It seeps into the everyday.

I feel other people carrying their grief as they enter meetings, enter supposedly joyful spaces. So much to think about. To quote what Mandy wrote in i want people to think: I want people to think of the body’s resilient failure, rising from bedspreads of fire and ash screaming “I eat men like air” and then I did.

Books I’m thinking about / recently read:

Grief is Pink by Jessica Niles DeHoff
My Heart is a Chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones

Stay sweaty and glittery. Black Lives Matter.

This is just to say grief is hard

Many people I care about are struggling right now, and I am too. Time moves differently with grief. I check the clock often to understand when I am. Yes, when.

Grief has brought feelings of not being enough. I’ve learned over the years (and therapy, please, therapy is the best) this not enough is a vague malaise—there isn’t a specific thing I think I need to do more. I’m getting down on myself without anything concrete, mostly grasping for something to hold. There have been some very wonderful things happening this month, so the grief sneaks in as I simultaneously feel joy.

I’ll keep on running into the new year. In the trees, in the sun, in the rain—I am moving and free and nearly outside of my skin. Specifically, there are 2023 races I’m thinking about. I’m not even sure what my goals are for each race, other than learn something about myself and go long. I’m working to get enough protein and stretch while I work through the grief this way. I don’t need to be injured and sad.

This is just to say, I often write about not wanting to be vulnerable. Sick is not fragile. When I reflect on the past year, I’m not actively sick anymore. I can plan trips and give hard efforts on run and not be flattened for days or weeks. This is still new, and I’m very grateful (again) for therapy and working through this.

Grief is somehow collective and personal. The grief from the loss of a wonderful person will keep coming in waves, but there is still all this future to reach for. They would appreciate all of us keeping up the fuck around & find out attitude.

Books I’m thinking about / recently read:

Please make me pretty, I don’t want to die by Tawanda Mulalu
Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

Stay sweaty and glittery. Black Lives Matter.

Joy in the Process

@friendwithendo posted a meme in the beginning of April that brought vague thoughts to the forefront of my mind. I’m embarrassed when I start sounding like I’m saying like back in the day, when I was a collegiate athlete. But my teen years were dedicated to the goal, then I was a Division I student athlete until 22. Shaking the mentality, or more specifically, the mentality that it’s not hard work if you’re not in pain, has been something I’ve grappled with while implementing the lifestyle changes that come with endometriosis.

How beautiful is that? Allow discovery and joy in your movement. In the momement. Despite pushing through daily pain with a smile, and doing things like causing a tibia stress fracture, I try to prove to myself that I’m not *weak* and have a high pain tolerance. Wuht?

I think of the line in Michael Downs’s The Greatest Show, “If people understood the full weight of the show they watched, they would be crushed.” Each day is a show I feel like I barely remember the lines to. I do not judge anyone else this harshly, I do not hold anyone else to this impossible, illogical standard. I don’t approach creating this way either. I consider myself a writer, exploring multiple genres, moving between fluid boundaries. Art isn’t limited to the page either. I look to multidiscliplinary artists like Lynne Price, Stephanie Barber, Jordannah Elizabeth, Amanda McCormick, and so many other incredible talents that transcend genre. Why am I not living like this when I’m moving? Is this impossible in running?

I tried something different when I ran the Charm City Run’s Sole of the City 10k earlier this month. A rigid personal best wasn’t on my mind. Since February, I had been on hormonal birth control and physically and mentally spiraling (I have stopped taking it and would like to say, if birth control helps you live the life you want, GOOD! Do you and you should not be limited in your access! It is not something I can tolerate. Yes, I am hard eye-rolling to all past and future individuals that say I should just get on birth control to make endometriosis go away. Read more here about how it is only a band-aid and not a long-term solution).

Even while struggling each day, I wanted to learn from the race. The course has a challenging hill during the final mile that broke me the previous year like the Baltimore Half Marathon broke my spirit in 2011. I’m looking at you, never-ending mile around Lake Montebello. I decided I wanted to negative split the Sole of the City, starting at an 8-minute mile pace that would be an effort but relaxed.

Dare I say the race was joyful? Despite the early spring humidity, the kind special to Baltimore where even your eyeballs are sweating, I was in relatively good spirits. It was probably the last time I wasn’t holding back tears or sobbing all weekend (I’m still looking at you, hormonal birth control). Reading Partners volunteers cheered at 26 points—one for each letter, yay, literacy!—an officer was singing for everyone at mile 2.5, which carried me to Charm City Run Fells Point blasting Kesha’s Timber around mile 3.5. Then I targeted someone a few paces in front that I had seen earlier in the race to bring me to the finish.

My ability to hold pace was a pleasant surprise. As reference, when I’m not doubled-over from endometriosis and related symptoms, my tempo run pace is comfortably at a 7:20 per mile pace. Keeping a relaxed mind helped me hold the sustained moderate effort. I sort of approached the Charles Street 12 this way in September 2018, but if I’m being honest, I thought it was going to be a rare approach. I had excision surgery in April 2018 and I was cured, right? RIGHT?! Cue the reality of chronic illness.

I’m learning from the Baltimore Flow and incredible healthcare providers—shouts to Sustainability Wellness and Indigo Physiotherapy—to listen to my body. To look at it as more than something broken. To approach athletics how I approach creativity—with an eye for discovery. I have to be creative as I continue to chase a sub-20 minute 5k goal. I have to trust that when I feel well, the work will fall into place. While I’m not, there is a process and joy can exist in discovery.

Stay sweaty and glittery.